


denial doesn't look pretty on you, darling

by InsecurelyPerfect



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a song, Denial, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, and he does not express his feelings well at all, but ten doesnt want to hear it, except maybe he does, fwb to lovers, he does not hide it well, hurt in a mcdonalds at 2am, im so proud of this, jealous ten, johnny calls ten sexy as a pet name, johnny doesnt help, lying, poor boy is so dumb, wayv are just trying to help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:40:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27948431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsecurelyPerfect/pseuds/InsecurelyPerfect
Summary: Ten doesn't remember the last time he allowed himself to feel for someone, but when things get to be too heated with one Johnny Suh, he may take a different approach to life.~absolutely entirely based on "we just touchin, i don't do no cuffin" from bad alive english version and i have no regrets
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 16
Kudos: 164





	denial doesn't look pretty on you, darling

**Author's Note:**

> i just want to take this time to say i really appreciate you clicking on this to read.  
> it's the writing piece i'm currently the most proud of and this fic means a lot to me. i started writing it as soon as my finals were over and it took me five days and i could not be happier with the results.  
> i would also like to take this time to thank my beta readers, anya and vedha, for screening this.  
> i hope you enjoy <3

The first thing Ten could taste on Johnny's lips was the coconut lip balm he made Johnny put on. The next thing he could taste was himself, but he tried not to think about that too much as he pressed himself further into Johnny's chest. Despite the cold wind biting at his skin, being against Johnny made him feel warm. They pulled apart and Johnny made a face. 

"Why the coconut again? It feels really buttery and the watermelon one I have is just fine," Johnny said, swiping the back of his hand across his mouth.

Ten frowned, gently pushing Johnny away, not enough to be noticeable, but just enough that there was more space between the two men. Ten's back was now pressed up against the door frame. "You know I just prefer the taste of coconut. Besides, watermelon is too watery to cover the taste of myself." He takes a second and drinks in Johnny's post-sex look, with his hair all messy and love bites forming across his neckline and looking particularly fucked out in his expression. "Not like the coconut masked it well, but it's a hell of a lot better than the watermelon." Ten bit his lip, trying to hold back a bitter comment about how Johnny seemed to know more about Mark than him.

The thought alone sent a shiver down Ten's spine. What a stupid feeling to have. It wasn't something Ten had ever really felt for anyone before. And he liked Mark, they got along well and had known each other for years, so why was Ten thinking that way about Mark?

Still, there was something keeping Ten from letting Johnny go back to his dorm, wanting to hold him longer than Mark got to see him. He didn't know where this feeling was coming from. He had never felt that way before -- they were just fuck buddies. Nothing more, nothing less, so there was no reason that Ten should want him to stay if he needed to go back.

Ten could feel Johnny's eyes on him. He glanced up, letting go of his lip. "Tennie?" Johnny said quietly. Just like that, Ten's hands were back around Johnny's neck and connecting their lips once more. Since Johnny had wiped the lip balm off, the bitter taste of Ten himself was much more prominent than he'd cared for, and he grimaced, but continued to kiss Johnny. Ten followed Johnny's lead and pulled back when Johnny stopped kissing him back.

"What's wrong?" he asked, like he wasn't actively trying to avoid the inevitable. 

"It's late, sexy. We both have busy schedules tomorrow and I have to get back to the 127 dorm. You know this." Johnny's voice was firm, yet gentle. Something about it made Ten feel warm inside, even if it didn't reflect on the outside.

He frowned. He knew it was coming, but he still couldn't stop himself from being disappointed. His vision trailed down from Johnny's messy hair to a rock on the ground. Ten couldn't stop himself from noticing that Johnny's feet placed him full outside. It was just his torso and higher that were inside. He had to leave. Ten's frown deepened.

He only looked up when Johnny's thumb pressed in the middle of his bottom lip and the rest of Johnny's hand was guiding Ten's chin upwards. "Oh, sexy, don't pout, we can get together tomorrow night if we both have the energy, yeah? Or, if not, we can just watch movies or something." He pressed another kiss to Ten's lips, and Ten could feel his knees getting weak. "I have to be going now."

And without even giving Ten the opportunity to reply, Johnny was gone, and Ten was standing in front of the open door, the cold December wind nipping at his unblinking eyes. 

"Yah, you're letting all the heat out, close the door," Dejun complained from the couch. How long he'd been there, Ten didn't know, but he also didn't care. He couldn't find it in himself to move. He hardly even flinched when Dejun eventually slammed the door shut in his face.

Slowly, he turned around and made his way to Yangyang's room, not wanting to sleep in his cold, empty bed alone.

~

Ten hadn't expected to be as out of it as he was. Missing steps and forgetting choreographies he had created not even days before. He was trying zoning out and not answering questions appropriately.

He hadn't seen Johnny alone in three weeks. It's not like he hadn't seen him at all, they just hadn't had any time alone together. With both NCT 127  _ and  _ WayV preparing for come backs, tensions have been high for nearly all the NCT boys.

Ten was feeling a certain type of tension. Some kind he wasn't sure he was familiar with. Or more so that he couldn't identify whether it was sexual tension or something else he was feeling.

There was something telling him that he should call Johnny and see if he wants to come over. Maybe part of it was Love Talk playing while Kun was in the shower, but he couldn't shake wanting to see Johnny.

The phone was in his hand, the message was typed, his thumb hovering over the send button when he realized that maybe this wasn't the best idea he'd had. He knew that everyone was tired, they were all busy, and that maybe his dorm would just like some quiet for once. 

Of course, they tried to be quiet, but Ten wasn't always good at holding back how vocal he could get, and he knew that Johnny liked hearing him. Said it made him know that he was doing something right. The thought of Johnny's hot breath against his throat made heat creep up his body.

Ten cleared his throat and turned his attention back to his phone. It wasn't like they were keeping it a secret from the other members, but Ten knew that his members needed a good night's rest. He doubted that they, Johnny included, would be thrilled about a loud hang out session that night.

Instead, he threw his phone on his bed and brought a pillow to his face before letting out a scream.  _ Fuck.  _ It took that scream for Ten to realize that his shoulders hurt and his neck was tight. Whether it was from a lack of vitamin Johnny or from the fact that he saw Mark all over Johnny, he didn't know. He just knew that he needed Johnny.

So once more, he picked up his phone and tapped a few keys before climbing off the bed and throwing his shoes on.

Xuxi grabbed his arm on the way out. "Where are you going?"

"Out," he said, trying to yank his arm free.

Xuxi's eyes hardened. "Are you going to see Johnny?" Ten stayed silent. Xuxi sighed. "Look, I know I don't need to be the one to tell you that we're all busy now. It's really not a good idea to pester him this late at night when you know we have early interviews tomorrow."

"Xuxi, please."

Xuxi let go of his arm, but was still holding onto the sleeve of his shirt. "Is there something more going on between you two?"

Ten's eyebrows knit together. "What? No, of course not. We just... hook up sometimes. That's it."

"Really? 'Cause I've seen less love from couples that have been married for years." Xuxi tried to pull Ten into a hug, and Ten tried to fight back, but his small stature was nothing compared to Xuxi. "You sure there's nothing going on between you -- you know, I mean more than--" Xuxi gestured to Ten as a whole, "whatever it is you're doing."

Ten rolled his eyes. Of course there was nothing going on. If anything, Johnny probably liked Mark more than him. Hell, who the fuck knew went on at the 127 dorms? Lord, just the thought of Mark cuddled up to Johnny's side made his heart hurt. Trying to rid his brain of that thought, he fully shook Xuxi off of him. "It's fine."

~

The door was right in front of him -- all he had to do was raise his fist and knock. It wasn't that hard. Except, it was.

Ten didn't know if he was ready to see Johnny. Of course, he wanted to, but wanting to and be ready to were two totally different things. Things Ten could actually tell the difference between; unlike his emotions.

He debated for a moment, feeling the cold air swirling around him (and definitely messing up his hair) as he evaluated his decisions. Surely he didn't want to be a bother to Johnny, but he also knew that it would be worse for him if he  _ didn't  _ reach out to Johnny, asking him to touch him, to tease him, to feel him up. To do whatever it was that Johnny felt was necessary. 

Ten was simply his rag doll, and would be compliant with anything that Johnny wanted him to do.

And in a moment of weakness, Ten gave in to that desire.

He didn't hear the sound, or remember doing the movements. All he saw was his hand coming back from knocking on the door, and then Taeyong's surprised face. When Taeyong registered that it was Ten, he didn't look surprised. No, he just looked... as though he had been expecting it. "Johnny!" he called, his voice filling the silence between them.

Taeyong didn't move to let Ten in, not that he was expecting him to, and the younger didn't say anything. They were just awkwardly staring at each other, waiting for Johnny to come. Thankfully for both of them, it didn't take long before Johnny came bounding down the stairs to where the door was.

"Oh, Ten, hey," Johnny said quietly. He looked as though he wasn't expecting Ten to be there, and that was when it hit Ten that he had never actually hit send on his message to Johnny. "What's up?"

"Um, I was just thinking that we could go somewhere. I needed to talk to you, and it was more of an in-person, out-of-the-dorm kind of thing, you know?" Ten rubbed the back of his neck, trying to hide how red his cheeks had turned.

Though Johnny didn't give a proper response, he heard a grunt of agreement and moved out of the way so that  Johnny could get out the door. It only embarrassed him a little to realize that Taeyong had watched the entire conversation go down. He stayed staring at his feet until he felt Johnny nudge up against him.

"Where did you want to go?"

"Um, I sorta... booked a room at a hotel? If that's alright with you?"

Ten looked Johnny in the eye, hoping that he wasn't going to say that it wasn't alright or anything to that effect. Ten wasn't sure if he could take it tonight. And whether Johnny knew it or not, he saved Ten's heart by saying, "Oh, you're in that kind of mood tonight?"

~

The drive over to the hotel had been difficult. Not for any particular reason, except for the fact that Ten could feel his pants growing tighter by the second and fidgeting around only made it worse. And on top of that, Johnny rubbing against Ten's thighs definitely pushed him over the limit of what he was able to handle.

They had barely gotten in the room when their lips were connected and hot breath was being left all over each other. It hadn't been long before Johnny picked Ten up and had his back pressed against one of the walls or doors. Ten's mind was too foggy to tell what he was leaning against.

He could hardly make out that the walls were an off red shade that made him feel a little queasy before Johnny had torn his shirt off, and he was back to being unable to think of anything other than how  _ good  _ Johnny felt against his skin.

Ten felt his hands grabbing at Johnny's face, pulling him closer to him, if that was even possible. Johnny pulled back and Ten let him. At first, Johnny only made eye contact with him, and Ten was about to start kissing him again, but Johnny opened his mouth to speak. "You sure you want to do this tonight?"

Ten tried to muster his best "are-you-serious" look. "'M serious. Want to make sure you're up for it tonight."

"Johnny, I'm the one that booked the hotel. I should be asking  _ you  _ if you wanted to do this. Because we totally don't have to if you aren't up for it and--" Ten didn't even realize that Johnny was holding his hand on his crotch. He blushed. "If you just wanted me to stop talking, you could have just said so."

Johnny shrugged lazily. "Yeah, but it's more fun this way." He pressed a kiss to the tip of Ten's nose. "Plus you're much cuter this way."

Ten snaked his hand down to Johnny's and linked their fingers together. He smiled and  the words , "I love you," almost rolled off his tongue. He stopped himself before they could, but he was shocked that it would have been so easy -- for something he didn't even know whether it was true or not.

Quickly, his mouth was back on Johnny's, whether it was to distract himself or Johnny, he didn't know, but knowing that Johnny couldn't see his face brought a great deal of comfort to him. 

"Actually," he said, pulling away and bowing his head, "I... I think I just want to watch a movie and cuddle together, if that's alright." He turned his head, not wanting to see Johnny's reaction. "Of course, we don't have to, but I'll make it up to you another night, I promise."

Surely, that wasn't what he'd meant to say, so why did Ten find himself so relieved when Johnny agreed? Since when did Ten want to  _ cuddle  _ with Johnny?

They got settled on the too big bed and Johnny put on some random English movie he found. Ten's ear was right up against Johnny's heart, while Johnny rested his chin on the top of Ten's head. Ten felt safe while he was practically on top of Johnny and wrapped in his arm while the other hand was smoothing his hair. Ten was overly aware of how small he was compared to Johnny and it made him smile a little. 

Until he pictured Mark's face.  _ Why of all the possible times, was he showing up now?  _ Thinking about Mark made his head hurt. He couldn't even stop himself from asking, "D'you do this with Mark a lot?" Johnny stopped petting his hair.

"Mark? What are you talking about?"

Ten wished he could shrink into oblivion. "Um, nothing. Forget it. It's nothing."

"No, you brought up Mark. What's going on?" Ten could feel Johnny shifting under him, and he knew that Johnny was looking at him. He sighed and peeled himself off of Johnny to meet his eyes, and cursed himself for saying anything.

"Really, it's nothing. I'm just being dumb," Ten whispered, rubbing his thumb against Johnny's cheek.

Johnny didn't look like he believed Ten, but after a moment of them staring at each other, Johnny's features softened. "No, I don't do this with Mark. I don't really do this with anyone. You're special," Johnny joked. Or, at least, Ten  _ thought  _ he was joking.

Ten hummed quietly, trying to reassure himself that it didn't matter if Johnny cuddled with anyone else or not because he was not Johnny's and Johnny was not his. They were not together, so Johnny could cuddle whomever he wanted to in his free time. Repeating that in his head, Ten shifted back into his comfortable position, with his head right on Johnny's chest and a small smile plastered across his face.

He could hardly hear the movie over the thumping of Johnny's heartbeat, and he was acutely aware of how his breathing was synching up with Johnny's beat. He felt himself slipping, and he fell asleep with a smile on his face, to the music of Johnny's heart.

~

Ten was having a hard time keeping track of the days. He had no idea if it had been a week or six since he last booked the hotel with Johnny. All he knew was that if he had to listen to Mark talk about his and Johnny's size difference one more time, he was going to actually lose it.

SuperM was practicing for some music show they were going to make an appearance at, and Mark had latched himself onto his fellow NCT members. Of course, Ten loved Mark, but it was at a point where hearing about Johnny was stressing him out.

He could swear his heart was beating three times faster than normal, despite his FitBit only showing one and a half times as much.

He could only laugh at a joke Mark was telling about Johnny being his North American bro so many times before he needed to get away. He politely excused himself to get another snack and plopped down next to Baekhyun and just leaned his head on Baekhyun’s shoulder. 

“How’s it goin’?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. 

Baekhyun looked at him incredulously. “I’m fine, but you look like you’re about to burst. You wanna talk about it?”

Ten shook his head lightly. “Just Johnny stuff.” He looked down to his hands. They looked dry and cracked, but his nails were perfectly manicured. It looked weird and out of place. His focus shifted to a loose thread on the chair he was sitting in and started picking it out.

A confused look flashed over Baekhyun's face. "Are you two not alright? You guys fighting?"

Ten's eyebrows furrowed. "What? No! I'm just... having a hard time being around him, that's all. And..." he sucked in a breath, unsure of whether he actually wanted to tell Baekhyun. "Nothing. It's nothing, never mind."

Baekhyun rubbed his thumb over Ten's knuckles. "It's okay, Ten. You can tell me if you're ready. I don't want to force you to tell me anything if you're not ready to, but I also don't want you to think that you can't talk to me."

Ten nodded. "No, I-I know that. I just... it's something I'm having a hard time dealing with myself, that's all." He was quiet for a moment, before opening his mouth like he was going to speak again. But before he could, their manager was calling them, telling them that they needed to be ready and on stage in a few.

"I'll tell you later," Ten promised.

He didn't.

~

_ "Have you seen how Johnny hyung's been working out lately, hyung?"  _ Mark's voice rang in Ten's head.  _ Fuck.  _ He was  _ this close  _ to screaming. He couldn't do anything without thinking about Mark and his -- his  _ obsession  _ with Johnny.

Could be any  _ more  _ obvious? There was nothing Johnny could tell Ten to convince him that they didn't cuddle the way that made Ten feel safe. It was evident in the way Mark spoke. He rolled over on his stomach on his bed, burying his face in the too many pillows he slept with at night.

"Hey, Ten? We need to get going. Put on your shoes, we leave in six," Kun said, sounding like he was in the hall. When Ten didn't respond, he felt a dip in the bed, assuming it was Kun. "Ten?"

Still, Ten didn't reply. Kun started threading his fingers through Ten's hair. "Please talk to me. You're obviously not okay and it's affecting your work."

Ten could feel his eyes watering, but he stayed quiet before uttering out, "It's nothing, ge."

"It's obviously not nothing. Yangyang said you've been coming to his bed a lot more, cuddling close to him, and talking in your sleep." Kun's voice was getting harsher, but speed and pressure of his hand unchanging. "We're all here for you, but we can't be if you don't  _ talk to us." _

Ten flipped around and flashed him a weak smile. "Just some stupid boy drama."

"It shouldn't be leaving you  _ this  _ upset." Kun's hand was still in Ten's hair. Ten's focus zeroed in on the scratches on the walls from when he and Yangyang would play around in the room. If his vision were deadly, there would be holes in the walls by now. "Is-" Kun hesitated, clearly unsure of whether he should continue with his question or not. "Is it about Johnny?"

Ten rolled his eyes -- more to himself than at Kun. Perhaps he should be honest. "A little more than just him."

"Anything you want to get more specific about?"

"... Mark."

"What about Mark?"

"I... I don't know. He's just... just constantly talking about Johnny and I hate listening to it. I don't know why. It just makes me feel weird inside. Like I can't control what I'm going to do and it makes me want to be with Johnny and hold his hand and tell him that he's mine and no one else's and-- and--" Ten had to stop. His breathing picked up and he was gasping for air. He didn't know why he was talking so fast or that he'd even switched to English halfway through until he saw Yangyang, that he hadn't known was in his room, explaining to Kun what he'd said. 

"Ten-ge? It's just me. It's just Yangyang. Take a deep breath, I need you to focus. Just look at me." Ten had a hard time listening to what the maknae was saying, but he was trying his best to do what he said. His breathing was still intense and his eyes were roaming everywhere. There was nothing he could just look at and know what was happening.

Yangyang stayed with Ten, trying to even his breathing, and was there until he was calm again. When Ten was breathing normally again, Yangyang helped him sit up, and was sitting at his feet. "Ten-ge, what's wrong?"

Ten shook his head, trying to indicate that he couldn't bring himself to say, and shoved his thumbnail between his teeth. Yangyang looked to Kun, who told Yangyang what he knew, trying to be as quiet as he could, not wanting to upset Ten further. Yangyang nodded and looked back at Ten. "Do... you think it's possible you like Johnny?"

Still nibbling at his nail, Ten said, "What? Like,  _ like him  _ like him?" Yangyang nodded. "No, it's not possible. We're just... you know, fucking around. Nothing else. That was our whole deal. We could play around as long as there were no feelings involved."

Yangyang smiled at him sadly, resting a hand on his knee. "I think you need to reevaluate how you feel about him." Saying nothing else, Yangyang got up and left Ten alone with Kun.

Kun wrapped his arms around the younger man. "It'll be alright, Tennie." Shortly after, he got up as well, leaving Ten alone with only his thoughts.

_ I can't like him. There's no way. _

~

It wasn't like he had been sleeping well, so when Ten's phone buzzing woke him up, he wasn't mad. But when he saw who the texts were from, his heart caught in his throat.

**From: J. Suh**

_ hey _

_ can you talk? _

Slowly, his eyes focused on the time.  _ 2:34 am.  _ Okay, so it was late. Late enough for this to be considered a booty call.

Ten pushed himself onto an elbow, thinking of how he wanted to respond.

**To: J. Suh**

_ yeah _

_ is it urgent? _

The reply came much quicker than he thought it would.

**From: J. Suh**

_ i'm outside your dorm _

Ten didn't reply. Instead, he threw on his shoes and a coat, not bothering to put a shirt on, trying not to be so loud as to wake Dejun, who seemed to be sleeping peacefully. In less than a minute, he was out the door.

He found Johnny leaning against the building, just as he'd said he'd be. 

However, Johnny's appearance hadn't been something he'd been expecting. Johnny's eyes were puffy and his cheeks were red. His hair was disheveled, as he'd been threading his fingers through his hair and tugging harshly at it.

Ten wondered if Johnny had been crying. Then he realized it was a stupid question, as he had obviously been crying. There was nothing that Ten wanted more than to hug Johnny and tell him that he had nothing to cry over and that he would always be there for him.

"Johnny?"

"Hey. Um. Do you--do you have a minute?"

"Dude, it's four in the morning. Yes, I have a minute." Ten crossed his arms and leaned against the door, facing Johnny. "What was it you wanted to talk about?"

"I just... um, can we... go somewhere?"

"Did you have somewhere in mind?"

"I don't know, anything. McDonald's maybe? It's just... out of the way and we can get fries, I don't know. I just don't want to be at the dorms."

Ten nodded, understanding where Johnny was coming from. "Yeah, let me just grab my keys and we can head over, yeah?"

The drive over was pretty quiet, just Johnny sniffling and shifting in his sweatshirt a lot. Of course Ten was burning with curiosity, but Ten didn't think pressuring him for an answer would go well, so he didn't ask. In fact, he said nothing. He just let the silence hang over him, like a heavy blanket, weighing his chest down.

When he finally pulled into the parking lot, he asked, "Drive thru or go in?"

"We can go in, so we can look at each other comfortably while we're in there."

"Makes sense."

The fries were on the table and Johnny was across from Ten, resting his feet on either side of him. Ten was trapped between Johnny's feet, and he had to admit that it wasn't the worst feeling he'd ever had. For the most part, it was just that he was so agitated, and he couldn't sit still for the life of him. He knew that Johnny wouldn't take him to such a public place, albeit dead, but still public, for an intense conversation if it wasn't going to be a good thing. 

Ten watched the steam rise off the fries rather than meet Johnny's eye. He knew that Johnny wanted him to look him in the eye. It was something that Johnny appreciated in general, but was also something that just showed Ten that he was interested.

It had never been that Ten  _ wasn't  _ interested, he just didn't know how to make the connection that showed they had good contact with each other. Ten knit his eyebrows together. He didn't need a fucking social cue to tell him that he and Johnny got along. That they had chemistry. Ten knew all of that without failing to meet some stupid social norm that stressed him out too much sometimes.

Right then, the silence was too much for Ten. He reached in front of himself at the fries they'd spilled onto the tray. "Mind if I take one?" He knew they'd gotten them for both of them, but he also knew that if they were in silence for any longer, he would just about fucking explode.

Johnny nodded. "So, um," he started. Good. Asking seemed to have broken the painful silence. "What I called you here for..."

Ten sucked in a deep breath as he finished chewing the fry. He puffed his chest out, not as to assert dominance, but as to show that he was engaged, even if he wasn't making eye contact.

"Ten, sexy, please look at me."

Ten had a feeling that was coming. After all, he knew Johnny. He knew that Johnny appreciated when he was being looked at in the middle of conversation. He sucked in another deep breath and slowly looked up at Johnny.

"Thank you. Now, I had... something that I realized and thought that I should talk to you about." Johnny took a breath and stopped talking, like he was trying to gauge widened, and what Ten thought about that.

Ten shot him a look, that was supposed to tell him that he should continue talking.

"I was talking to Mark the other day and..." Halfway through his sentence, Johnny had switched to English. Ten knew it was important because he had a hard time stressing his emotions in Korean. Not that anything else he had to say wouldn't be important, but this was about his emotions, which were the most important thing to Ten at the moment. He would just have to push through listening about Mark for Johnny. It was for Johnny. He could do it. He grabbed another fry and plastered a smile on his face, not saying a word. "I think I've come to realize that I might not be okay with our... arrangement," he said, lowering his voice and clearing his throat. He looked around the room, making sure there were no prying ears and no sasaengs around.

Out of everything Johnny said, he hoped that the sound of his heart plummeting into his stomach wasn't so loud that Johnny could hear it. It did feel like Ten had a bunch of bricks in his stomach, though.

He swallowed harshly. "W-what do you mean?"

Johnny reached across the table to grab at Ten's free hand. "I came to realize that something I'm doing goes directly against our arrangement... I fell for you, Ten Lee. I fell for you, and I fell fucking  _ hard." _

Ten's eyes widened and he looked at Johnny, searching in his eyes for something he didn't know. He only knew that it felt like he was dreaming. He twitched his hand to make sure that he was actually there and that Johnny was actually touching him. When he figured out everything was, in fact, real, he focused on how fast his heart was beating.

He could hear it in his ears, as though the music that was playing wasn't some Christmas song he'd never heard before, but was instead his heartbeat. It felt like it was rattling his body. He didn't know how to respond, what it was Johnny was looking for because, well, unlike Johnny, Ten  _ had  _ followed the rules of their arrangement. Because  _ obviously  _ he  _ didn't  _ have feelings for Johnny. He pulled his hand back from Johnny's.

"Ten?"

Ten's vision blurred and his mouth opened, having no idea what was going to come out of it. "I- um. It's getting late. We... should head back."

"... Ten?"

He knew it wasn't what Johnny wanted him to respond with, but, Lord, he couldn't make himself say it. He couldn't say, "Yeah, I like you, too." Because that would make it real, and Ten Lee did not do feelings. But, fuck, hearing how broken Johnny's voice sounded made him want to take his promise back.

He just shook his head. "I'll take you back."

He reached his hand out to Johnny, to get him up, but Johnny pushed his hand away. "Forget it. Taeil hyung's up, I'll get a ride back from him." Johnny wouldn't even look at him.

The pit in Ten's stomach soured, but he turned around and left Johnny with his soggy fries at the table -- and didn't look back.

~

There was a weight on Ten's chest when he woke up the next morning. He opened his eyes and saw Louis' nose dripping. He smiled gently at the cat. "Good morning, baby," he whispered, scratching behind Louis' ear the way he liked.

He stayed lazily watching the cat as he slowly woke up. It wasn't long before Sicheng was knocking on his door, making sure he was awake and letting him know they had to get going.

Ten laid his arm over his eyes and it smelled like the McDonald's he was in the night before, and the memory of the night before came crashing down on him.

Fuck, he felt like crying. What he did to Johnny wasn't fair. Especially when he knew he was lying. To himself, to Johnny, to the others.

He figured the best way to distract himself was to get ready. For what? He didn’t know, but staff always had everything ready for them when they arrived, so Ten figured it would be fine.

That was until they arrived and fucking Johnny was there, getting his makeup done. The look he showed Ten was so cold; he knew that if Johnny wasn't literally in the middle of being poked at, he would have gotten up and left if he could have.

Sicheng slung his arm around Ten's neck. "Hell was that about? You two have some lover's quarrel?" he joked, lightly jabbing Ten in the stomach.

He smiled weakly at Sicheng. "What? No. We're not together."

"Could've fooled me," he said before following the stylist that was beckoning him.

Ten stayed planted where he was, looking at Johnny until a hand was being waved in his face, telling him that he was being summoned. He followed his stylist, a million thoughts running through his head. "What is it that we're doing here?" he tried asking. She didn't say anything. She only looked up and to the right. Ten followed her gaze, and he saw Donghyuck coming at him with a camera. He lightly shook his head and Donghyuck turned away from him.

Other than that, Ten was pretty quiet. Normally he was a lot more talkative with the staff that did his hair and makeup, but he couldn't find it in him, and he was thankful that they seemed to understand.

At least, until Johnny was next to him, eyes following his every move. "Can I help you?" he asked in a tone that would make his mother disappointed.

"We need to talk about last night."  _ Yeah, obviously. _

"Can't it wait until we're not forced to be around the others as well?"

Johnny let out a sharp breath. "I'd really rather it not, but I understand why you'd want to." The way he phrased it made Ten think there was no other option than to talk to Johnny at the... shoot? Ten still had no idea what they were doing there.

"Fine, whatever, but can you tell me why we're here? I can't seem to get a clear answer."

Johnny only patted him on the thigh and walked away. Great. So much for figuring out what they were supposed to be doing. Ten knew that he had been told what they would be doing when their schedules were given to them, but he couldn't remember for the life of him. Something about being unsure as to why they were there just made him want to be there less than usual.

Another big part of not wanting to be there was Johnny. He really didn't want to have the conversation he was dreading around all of their members and all the staff. It was a personal conversation and not everyone needed to know everything going on in their lives, though it was looking less and less like he would have a say in it.

The more he could avoid Johnny, the better.

So, of course, the two of them had to do a photoshoot together.

Ten had finally figured out it was for their season's greetings, but unfortunately, the photographer was randomly putting the twenty-three of them in various groups. This time, they had asked Ten and Johnny (and only Ten and Johnny) to do the shoot together.

Ten's head was leaned against Johnny's back, one of the classic doubles photoshoot positions they often overused, in Ten's opinion. "Do think you can wait to talk until we get back to the dorms, at least? I'll talk to you as soon as we're there. I just don't want to do it here, if that's okay," he said quietly, hardly moving his lips so that the camera wouldn't pick it up.

Ten hardly got an answer back, but when Johnny muttered, "Fine," he knew it would be okay for them to wait. At least then, he'd have an easier time coming up with what he was going to say.

The shoot had lasted way longer than he was hoping it would have, and he couldn't have gotten out of there faster if he'd tried. 

~

In the car ride back, Ten was picking at his fingernails. Guanheng nudged Ten's knee with his own. When he looked up at Guanheng, he was making a face at Ten over his phone. Ten cocked an eyebrow,  _ really  _ not in the mood to deal with any shit from his members.

"So, you seemed to be having an intense conversation with Johnny," he commented. Ten just looked out the window as the passing cars.

"Yeah, yeah, when do we not seem like we're having an intense conversation?" He took one look at the face Guanheng was making, "Don't you even  _ think  _ about it."

He held up his hands in surrender. "I don't know where your mind was headed, ge, but that's not what I was going to say," he said teasingly. Guanheng was clearly relishing in the fact that Ten was in such a test-y mood.

"Seriously though," Sicheng jumped in, "if you two aren't dating, have you told him about your feelings yet?"

"Really? Again with this? How many times do I have to tell you guys. I don't feel anything for Johnny. It was part of our deal and I'm not one to break promises." Ten had just about had it with his members and their teasing, especially for their teasing that had to do with Johnny.

"Then you better tell your heart to get with the program if that's the case, ge. It may not be obvious to you, but it is to the rest of us --  _ all  _ of us -- that you do feel something for him," Sicheng said, trying to be the voice of reason in the messy pool of thoughts Ten had.

Ten's eyes found their way to his lap. "Sure, yeah, whatever."

"Ten, you know they're right," Kun said from next to him. It was one thing to hear it from those younger than him, but knowing that his ge was telling him that they were right was a totally different thing. One that Ten didn't want to deal with.

He just wished that everyone would stop acting like they knew his feelings better than him. It was so obvious that he didn't like Johnny like that if they had just bothered to give him another look. Nothing about his actions said that he liked Johnny.

Except, they all did.

All of his thoughts, his actions, and even his words said that Ten Lee had a big, fat fucking crush on  _ the  _ Johnny Suh, whether he liked it or not. (He did not.) 

It was just something that he still didn't want to admit to anyone, let alone himself. The last time he'd liked someone he'd gotten hurt -- bad, so he promised himself that he wouldn't have crushes anymore and it seemed to be working out. Until he fucking met Johnny Suh.

That man had ruined everything. Ten had been lying to himself about what he felt for Johnny for years. 

If he really thought about it deeply, Johnny could pinpoint the exact moment he fell in love with Johnny.

It was about a month and a half after they'd initially been told they would be debuting in the same group together. Ten wasn't in the lineup for NCT 127 and Johnny wasn't in the NCT U debut song, but everyone else was in both, so one day after they'd had gone from their "The 7th Sense" practice to his "Fire Truck" practice with NCT 127, and Ten followed them to watch, as he had nothing better to do.

It was on their break that Johnny had come up to Ten, asking him what he thought of the dance so far and how he thought things were coming along. It wasn't anything Johnny said or did specifically, it was more just how he carried himself and how it was that he talked to Ten that made him feel amazing. That he didn't seem to have a particular agenda or reason for talking to Ten other than just being someone that Johnny wanted to get closer to, as they'd be working together.

It was something about that conversation that made Ten fall for Johnny harder than he'd ever hoped to fall for someone in his life. And after four years of burying that feeling deep inside and a year or so of them fucking around together, Ten realized it was probably time that he had to admit that he did in fact feel something for Johnny.

He hated it. 

If there was one thing he could change about his life at that exact moment, it would be those feelings. The feelings he'd never wanted to experience.

Johnny was a coworker -- a friend. And despite Johnny confessing his feelings just the day before, Ten wasn't ready to risk their current relationship for a new title and extra kisses when he was sad.

But, yeah, okay, so  _ maybe  _ his members were right. He should talk to Johnny about it. Be honest and tell him that he panicked and wasn't ready to admit his feelings over some soggy, over-salted fries in public.

He was hoping that it would be enough to apologize to Johnny, and seeing as it was the truth, it might be. But there was still no guarantee that came with that.

He pulled out his phone. There were a couple of texts he'd missed. From Mark, of course, who else would they be from? Ten ignored those and pulled up his chat with Johnny.

**To: J. Suh**

_ we're still on to talk for tonight, yeah? _

The reply came quicker than expected.

**From: J. Suh**

_ yeah, what's up? can't wait? _

**To: J. Suh**

_ not really, but i refuse to have this conversation with our members around. _

_ it should be something that only you get to hear. _

**From: J. Suh**

_ only i get to hear, huh? _

_ i like the sound of that. _

Ten grinned. He liked it when Johnny was being stupid like that.

**To: J. Suh**

_ don't get all cocky now. _

He shut his phone off, ignoring the buzzing from Johnny, and held his phone up to his mouth, trying to cover his smile.

~

Just as he'd said, Johnny was waiting right outside the fifth floor, shivering. He was wearing nothing more than a t-shirt and shorts -- the same thing he'd been wearing at the shoot.

Ten's eyes widened when he saw Johnny, and immediately went to take off his jacket. "Holy shit, you must be freezing. Please, take this."

Johnny shook his head. "I can grab something from inside, I was thinking that maybe we could go somewhere? Like Han River this time or something?"

"Yeah, I guess that works," Ten mumbled, lowering his extended hand with the jacket for Johnny to take.

"Great, then, uh, I'll be right back."

While waiting for Johnny, Ten threw his own jacket back on, attempting to shroud himself in warmth against the bitter air. Just as Johnny said, he was right back, and Ten felt much better around him.

For the first time since meeting Johnny, he allowed the butterflies in his stomach to soar.

The two made their way to the park, occasionally bumping into either and whispering rushed apologies. Ten wanted nothing more than to stop Johnny in his tracks and wrap Johnny's arm around himself. When he let himself, he really liked being in Johnny's presence.

He was a great guy, really nice and genuine and always willing to do whatever it took to make the others around him feel comfortable. It was always something that Ten loved about him. Something about Johnny felt like home. And Ten never wanted to leave.

The entrance to the park was all lit up with colorful Christmas string lights. It left a beautiful pattern in the snow on the ground. It was a wonderful sight to see.

They stopped under the archway, both of their heads hanging low and their hands stuffed in their pockets. It was hard to see clearly under the bright, colorful lights, but if Ten wasn't mistaken, when he looked up, he could swear he saw a light blush on Johnny's cheeks.

Johnny dug the tip of his shoe in the snow, flicking it upwards. The snow landed, splashing on the tips of Ten's shoes and on the ground. "So, what was it that you wanted to talk about?"

Ten cleared his throat. "First, I wanted to apologize for the other night. I should have said something different."

At that, Johnny snapped his head up. "Oh, yeah? Like what? What the hell could you have said differently?"

Ten let out a long sigh. " _ Anything  _ different. I don't even know how. Literally, just anything."

"Yeah, maybe."

Johnny's voice was short and tight. He was still very clearly mad about how Ten refused to even give him a proper answer. He had every right to feel that way, but it still stung. Ten knew he responded incorrectly and if he'd just said anything other than "It's getting late," maybe things would have been different.

Maybe they could be holding hands and kissing under the mistletoe. They wouldn't be in the park to have a serious conversation, it could be a date night. One just after the holidays.

The words that Ten  _ really  _ wanted to say were caught in his throat. Glued to the tip of his tongue and wouldn't come out. He just kept opening and closing his mouth as though he was a fish out of water, gasping for air. Why he couldn't just get the words out, he didn't know, but he wished he could. Johnny deserved to know how he truly felt, especially since he was such a piece of shit the night before.

"Ten?" Johnny said, sighing, "I'm sor--"

"No.  _ I'm  _ sorry. For everything. For lying to you pretty much since we met and for continuing to lie to myself now. For saying, it was getting late instead of an appropriate response. I just don't know how to deal with my emotions or admit to myself what it is that I'm actually feeling." The words were tumbling out of Ten's mouth faster than he could process what was happening. His mind was running at a mile a minute, while his mouth was running at two a minute. He could hardly keep up with what was coming out of his mouth, let alone his thoughts.

"Hey, Ten, sexy, please breathe," Johnny said, whipping his hands out of his pockets and getting into a stance that looked like he was going to try and stabilize Ten. Once Ten wasn't hyperventilating, he spoke again. "Okay, good, good, now,  _ slowly,  _ what is it that you're trying to tell me? Other than that you're sorry, because there is clearly more to it than just that."

Ten looked around, trying to see if there was anything other than Johnny's face for him to look at. It was then that he saw it was snowing. The wind was whirling it around the two of them, the snow getting caught in Johnny's hair and contrasting against his dark hair beautifully.

Ten couldn't help himself for reaching up and moving Johnny's hair out of his face. "Sorry, the wind blew it weirdly and it was bothering me."

Once more, Ten knew that he should have said literally anything else, and yet, he couldn't find himself able to do it. He could find a million ways to say what he was looking for, but none that were the actual words he needed. Too bad his feelings weren't something he could dance out. If he could, he would have no problem choreographing something that would make them perfectly known to Johnny.

"Ten," Johnny started softly, "you're rambling again." He chuckled softly to himself. "Well, not rambling, but I can tell you're avoiding whatever it is you want to tell me."

"How do you know?"

Johnny reached forward and grabbed Ten's hands, grasping them tightly. Ten watched as snowflakes fell on their intertwined hands and melted into their hot skin. "I know you, Ten. I can read everything about you, and you're such a bad liar. You've always had trouble hiding what it is you're feeling. It's something I've always admired about you, sexy." He raised Ten's hand to his and kissed one of his knuckles. "I told you," he kissed another one, "I care," and another, "about you." He kissed the last of Ten's knuckles. "So much."

He let go of Ten's hands, leaving him speechless. Johnny placed his hands on Ten's face. They were so warm against Ten's skin that they burned. "I love you, sexy." That was the last thing that Johnny said before he leaned forward and caught Ten's lips against his own.

The kiss was different from any other way they've kissed in the past. Those were always filled with lust and an urgency that they needed to fill as soon as they could. This one was not like that in the slightest.

This one was much slower, much more filled with a different type of passion. One that told Ten a thousand words of how Johnny wanted to be with Ten forever without an actual word ever being spoken into the cold air.

It was the type of kiss that Ten had been dreaming about for weeks, wishing that he could kiss Johnny like for the rest of time. It filled him with hope and love and gave him the strength to continue when he didn't think he had any fight left in him. It was the kind of feeling that everyone wanted to preserve in a bottle to keep feeling.

A smile crept onto Ten's lips, and he pushed back. Standing on the tips of his toes and kissing back with the same amount of force that Johnny was showing him. The intensity was a fire burning from deep within his body, fueling all of Ten's emotions. He was no more than a mere vessel of pure, unadulterated joy and excitement.

The kiss felt like it had lasted forever when Johnny pulled back, and suddenly the fire in his stomach was out like a candle in the wind. He desperately wished for Johnny's lips to be back on his, but he knew that they had to have this conversation.

Suddenly, Ten's body felt cold everywhere except for his lips, which burned with the taste of Johnny. "Please tell me you felt that."

Ten breathed in deeply, sucking in his bottom lip. He nodded, not finding it in himself to be able to say much else, still left dumb stricken by how the kiss had made him feel.

"Yeah," he breathed when he finally remembered how to speak, "I felt it."

A warm smile spread across Johnny's lips, exposing his bright white teeth. "And how did it make you feel?"

Ten blinked slowly. "Like I never wanted it to stop," he said dumbly. Words were just spilling out of him like a fallen cup of coffee and his tongue was just getting in the way of his speech.

"So, then, I'm only going to ask you this once more. If you don't tell me the truth, I'm going to walk away. How do you feel about me?" Johnny's eyes were hard and serious. He knew that Ten was in a position for him to tell Johnny whatever he wanted to know. And if Ten was being honest, he really didn't mind that much that Johnny knew exactly how to play him.

Ten opened his mouth, not knowing exactly what was going to come out, but he knew it wouldn't be anything but the truth, so he didn't exactly mind.

"I... lied. To you, to myself, to our members," he said, taking a step towards Johnny, if that was even possible. They were already so close, yet Ten felt like Johnny was worlds away from him.

"I know that," Johnny whispered. This time, it was his turn to move a piece of Ten's hair out of the way. "What?" he asked when Ten gave him a look, "it bothered me." He pressed a gentle kiss to Ten's now exposed forehead. The skin that Johnny's lips touched burned. Shit, what Ten would do to keep that feeling. He could feel himself falling deeper and deeper every moment that passed. "But do you want to tell me exactly what it was that you lied about?"

A small laugh escaped from Ten. "First, I have to admit that I kind of love how you're taking charge of this conversation."

"Ten..." Johnny warned.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. It's... hard."

"I know it is," he said softly, "but I need you to tell me."

Ten swallowed harshly and closed his eyes, not wanting to look at Johnny when he confessed. "I lied about my feelings for you." He took a step back, running his hands through his now wet hair. "I couldn't admit it to myself that I fell in love with you shortly after the group lineup was announced and I just... thought that the best way of covering that up was by sleeping with you and promising that I wouldn't catch feelings." He sighed harshly. "I know now that that was wrong and that I should have just been honest with you becasue we could have been boyfriends by now, but I was pretty deep in denial."

When he finished speaking, he opened his eyes, hoping to see Johnny still standing right across from him. And when his eyes adjusted to the bright snow, there Johnny was, still looking as good as ever. There was a smile across Johnny's lips.

"See, was that so hard now?"

"Yes," Ten muttered. He was half joking, but there was some truth behind it.

"I'm proud of you for telling me, sexy."

Johnny took a step toward him, closing the two-foot gap between them. He guided Ten's chin upwards, to where he could bend down and press one more groundbreaking kiss to Ten's lips. "If that was your way of asking me to be your boyfriend, the answer," he pressed another kiss to Ten's lips, "is yes."

They stood there, in the middle of the park, freezing their asses off, kissing for the world to see. "And one more thing?"

"Yeah?" Ten asked, breathless, leaning his forehead against Johnny's to the best of his ability.

"Denial doesn't look pretty on you, darling."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for taking your time to read this.  
> as a writer whose main passion in life is writing, i just have to say any time you read something i write, i get this warm and fuzzy feeling inside and it means everything to me.  
> so thank you for supporting me.  
> if you like it, consider [commissioning](https://honeyvoicehwang.tumblr.com/post/622820906485547008/writing-commissions/) me to write something for you!! 
> 
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> [my main](https://twitter.com/honeyvoicehwang/)  
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